Ay, Kiddo!

May 20, 2008

I did Aikido for a while, but it’s a sport that requires discipline, patience, and humility - three things I could aspire to in the next life but not in this one. In fact, I found many of the principles and rituals ridiculous. I cannot ever beat up someone, for example. I have to wait for someone to hit me first before I can return the favor in the guise of defense.
Looking back, it’s no wonder I made a horrible student. I was in it for all the wrong reasons.

1. I wanted to lose weight. I didn’t. The only thing I became was dizzy. My sensei had me practice backflips and backrolls. I sucked miserably at both. Even worse, I ended up spending a small fortune on back massages after every session.     

2. Girls who do karate are sexy. Even bloodied and filthy, Uma was sexy as she murdered her way to Bill. Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, and Cameron Diaz sizzled while they kicked, clawed, and punched their way into a sequel. Quite understandably, I wanted to do karate and be sexy, too; only, it soo did not happen. Karate is arduous. You sweat and get sweated on. You’re asked to bellow out the silliest of things. If you can’t imagine how humiliating it is to shout “haaay-yah!” in front of an entire class, try doing it at work where and when only your seatmate can hear you. The snickering you’re bound to get is nothing compared to the silence that would greet you in Aikido class. The stillness makes you paranoid. Are your classmates secretly laughing at you? Did that one come out like a bleating?

3. I wanted to beat people up. No, I am not full of anger, and I do not spend my day drawing up lists of people to beat up. But, I think it would be several shades of nice to be able to assault people should I ever want to. There’s no confidence like the confidence that comes from knowing you’re capable of wrecking mayhem, but have wisely chosen not to. When you restrain yourself, you’d feel much like Spiderman when he was told “with great power comes great responsibility.” Then too, you never know when you’d run into a robber or a serial killer.

Sadly, the only bad people I ever run into are Koreans who recycle their clothing even in a country where people sweat buckets; and I very well couldn’t beat up my bosses, could I? Furthermore, I’m only capable of deflecting blows when they’re expected. This means unless the attacker thoughtfully takes the time to tell me “I’m about to attack you,” I’m a sitting duck for baddies, one and all. If you happen to know of robbers who give ample warning before they make off with your bag, send them my way. I promise to give them a sound thrashing.

4. I wanted to learn meditation. Yes, I wanted to meditate mainly because I wanted to be able to float on air. Though useless and quite freaky, being able to float on air would have been zen - very, very zen. I never got around to floating on air, however, because I am absolutely incapable of keeping still for at least ten minutes. I fidget when I’m not supposed to. I feel sleepy every time we’re told to sit still and empty our minds. I cheat during breathing exercises, not always intentionally, but consistently nonetheless.

So there, I studied Aikido but learned close to nothing. I guess the closest I will ever come to channeling my inner Bruce Lee is by watching karate films. In the darkness and with loud enough sound effects, I can pretend I’m Bruce Lee and that I’m (in the spirit of heavily butchered English translation) entering the dragon.