You Speak Engrish?

I feel that this week is going to be the first in a long string of tedious weeks. I've been yakking nonstop since 9:00 this morning, and now my throat hurts, and I've a headache as persistent as real estate agents.

My boss has strange plans, and I've been asked to help put some of them in motion. Truth be told, I'm not at all sure the plan would pan out, not for lack of trying but because there are few fates more horrible than carrying on a conversation with a non-Filipino who punctuates the end of almost every English consonant with an "eee." Oh, and if "luncheee" or "fridgee" strike you as the perfect prelude to a nightmare, then you should know that the same non-Filipino also thinks saying "whatever" is a very American thing to say. So, it wouldn't at all be unusual for you and him to be engaged in a conversation that runs like this:

Him: Everyone eat luncheee together, but I think it also good if some eat early, whatever. So, next weekee, we make plan for time, who eat firstee, whatever.  You and I decide about plan, whatever. Whatever. Okay?

Me: (in a valiant effort not to look as confused as I felt) Er, okay.

Still, a dream is a dream and if bridging the language gap this way is his, then I'll move heaven, earth, and several pieces of furniture to help him realize it. 

So, there I was, dizzy from having spent almost six hours straight flitting from one meeting to another, sitting with half my brain hibernating at my feet, and all of a sudden, one of the non-Filipinos buzzed me to ask, "What is the meaning of carry out?" I tapped out an answer so simple even my three-year-old could have understood what the phrasal verb meant. "To carry out means to do." A few seconds later, he asked again, "What do you carry out?" "You carry out a plan, an order, or a threat."

You'd think that an explanation as simple as that would make perfect sense to a grown man of about 30, native English speaker or not. But no, it doesn't, and so I had to spend ten minutes more explaining why "carry out" does not literally mean you haul something from the inside to the outside.

There are days when I actually believe it might be a blessing not to know any English word at all; and there are also days when I rue the day someone popularized the idea that English is a language so universal that fluency in it will help you conquer the world.

English is not a universal language. That, or certain parts of Asia just do not belong to this universe.